This week marks one year since I had Gender Confirmation Surgery (vaginoplasty). Throughout the year and especially lately, I have been struck by the differences in how I feel. I wrote about how I feel, which has turned into a love letter about my vulva and vagina. It does get a bit graphic (but not vulgar), and is NSFW – you’ve been warned. Also, I’m quite aware that there’s a difference between a vagina and a vulva, but as much of society uses “vagina” to mean “vulva”, I’ve succumbed to the same behavior here.
I love my vagina!
I don’t think you understand… I LOVE my vagina!
No you don’t really understand. How can you? Unless you’ve experienced what it’s like to have the wrong genitals, you can’t possibly understand. But that isn’t your fault. Not all of us can be transgender.
My vagina is awesome!
I love the contours – the folds of my labia, how my hood drapes over my clitoris, how my crotch is now a nice hyperbolic paraboloid with nothing getting in the way.
I love the scent of my vagina — just like any other one.
I love the way my clothes fit on me now. I can wear leggings without having to find a tunic or long shirt to give me some coverage. I can wear a tight skirt and not have to tuck. I can wear jeans and shorts and have them fall flat across the front, just like they do for other women.
I love the confidence I get from having a vulva. I have one more thing in common with other women – a rather important thing, since our society mainly uses the presence of this one thing to decide whether I am seen as a man or as a woman. When I use a public restroom, I have less fear about being confronted and challenged in that restroom. The same goes for fitting rooms, locker rooms and other gender-segregated spaces.
I love how I look and feel when I’m naked. Previously, I never would go without underwear – I felt gross and dirty if I did. Now, it feels cozy and natural.
I love how much more comfortable inside my own body than I was before. My dysphoria has decreased and diminished since my surgery. I no longer have dysphoria about my genitals, and the dysphoria I do experience has been less frequent and less intense.
I love feeling a stronger sense of belonging with other women.
I love going to sleep at night, knowing that I have a vulva. When I wake up in the morning, one of my first thoughts is “I have a vagina! How lucky am I?!”
I love my vagina.