In Motion

I’ve been gone for a while – almost two years. I’m not writing to say that I’m back because the reality is I probably won’t be writing here with any regularity for a while. But I am still here.

Life has changed since I last wrote here. COVID is still with us, but society has largely returned to something closer to how things were in pre-COVID times. While for many people this means they are mostly back to their usual activities and life events, that hasn’t been the case for me.

If you hadn’t figured out from my previous posts, I lived in the Southern US, more specifically, Florida. In the past few years, things have become much more difficult for transgender people, from bathroom bills, policies and laws restricting or flat-out blocking access to affirming transition medical care, and much more. Public attitudes towards trans people have become increasingly polarized, with negative perceptions beginning to increase for the first time in many years. While the part of Florida I lived in was still pretty safe and supportive towards trans people and LGBTQ+ people, state laws and policies were increasingly taking away the ability of local governments to keep things safer for us.

Almost a year ago, I realized I needed a break from living under the pressure of seeing my life being made progressively harder just because of who I am. I took a trip away from Florida to a place where the state government was supportive of LGBTQ+ people and the local governments even more so. My trip went from an overnight to a long weekend, to a week-long stay, to staying for multiple weeks. Well, it’s been over 10 months and I’m still here.

When I first arrived last March, I noticed an immediate release of the pressure I’d been feeling. I hadn’t realized just how traumatized I’d become until I was out from under it. Circumstances allowed me to remain here, and I did – at first to just heal from the trauma (the healing is ongoing, even now), and now, because I can’t return to live in the pressure cooker that Florida has become.

Since arriving here, I’ve been able to engage in interests and passions I’d long repressed because I was so focused on counteracting the ongoing trauma; I was in a constant mode of survival. I’d become used to hearing “why does everything have to be about trans?” and I was frustrated – I had been living in an environment which constantly told me that I was trans and that by being trans, I was unwelcome and a lesser person. Of course I spent a lot of my thoughts and energy on that topic, because nobody would let me forget it! Now, in my new environment, my being trans isn’t an issue. When I meet someone new, I don’t feel a need to explain myself – other people take me at face value automatically for the woman I present as and am. It’s refreshing. It’s freeing.

Now, all the other parts of my personality can flourish, and as I’d long suspected and said, being trans is the least interesting thing about me.

So by way of explanation, since 2022, I felt so utterly oppressed by the circumstances in Florida and spent so much time and mental energy protecting myself from it that I didn’t have any energy left to put towards this blog, and now that I’m out from under that pressure and living out all the other parts of my personality, I don’t focus much on being trans – so I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to say here.

Recent events in Florida have brought my focus back onto being trans because I still have ties there and some of the changes there have the potential to affect me even out-of-state. I’m finding I have more to say on those events, and when I write here, those are the things I’ll probably focus upon.

The bad news is everywhere – the news and social media seem to make it inescapable. But there’s good news too, if you know where to look. In the months I’ve lived here, I’ve had many positive experiences having to do with being LGBTQ+. These reinforce my conviction that being transgender is a blessing; it’s those outside forces which make it feel like a curse at times. I will not give in to that negativity. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am now – mentally, medically, physically, and logistically.

While it’s been a while since I’ve written here, I’ve been feeling like I have things to say, so I’m probably going to write more – stay tuned. Or subscribe and you’ll get email notifications when I publish something new here. It’s free!

One bonus of living outside of the pressure cooker is that my social media habits have changed. I no longer spend lots of time on platforms which are rife with trolls and transphobia. I have more fulfilling things to do with my time and attention.

We will get through this, but not without some pain along the way. Some trans people are fighting the bills and attitudes, some trans people are fighting just to survive. We need cisgender people to step up and fight — it doesn’t require as much emotional energy for cis people to stand up for trans people as it takes for us to stand up for ourselves. More to come on that.

It’s good to write again, but I wish the circumstances were better.

Talk soon,

Me