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Posted February 8, 2017
Nailed it! I’ve never cared for makeup, even though I recognize it’s utility. In my ideal world, we wouldn’t need makeup because we would see each other as we truly are, and we would love each other that way. We are all beautiful human beings, and makeup tends to hide that natural beauty.
Ouch. The truth hurts. And this is pure truth. I reached a point where I realized that if I did not address my feelings, it would kill me – metaphorically and possibly even physically. I’ve had a few people tell me that I’m brave or courageous, but I reply with “is it truly brave if you do something because you have no choice?”. I don’t feel brave or courageous – I’m scared and vulnerable, all the time.
Another direct hit. I struggle with the feeling that I’ve missed my chance to express my gender in a way that I will be accepted (see “Passing” post), and I’m so scared of what my future holds. But there are moments when my spouse is able to help me see myself as my true self (well, at least catch a glimpse of myself), and those are amazing moments. But the last panel is also so true. My spouse is in a horrible position where to love me and support me means to help me move away from physical qualities that attracted them in the first place. So even these moments where they help me are bittersweet, for both of us; me, because I’m feeling affirmed, but also recognizing that I’m becoming more challenging to maintain a relationship with because I’m losing some of those qualities; and them, because they don’t want me to hurt, and their instinct is to help me, but the very act of helping me hurts them. Also, birthdays have always been hard days for me, because those are days that my defenses against my cross-gender feelings were lowered, and I found myself unable to enjoy celebrating my birthday. Emily is giving such an amazing gift, at such a personal cost!